This is a long
overdue post, I know. But honestly, I wanted to wait until I was in the right
state of mind to write this so I didn’t come off as angry or hateful towards
anyone. No direct names will be mentioned here, other than mine. Thank you for
reading my explanation for why I was gone for so long. (Two years). I want to
first come out and say that I am sorry to those who may have felt like I
abandoned them but I feel that it was best for me to have left when I did
instead of sticking around to bring everyone else down with me. I’m finally
going to answer some questions that I have been asked for a while now.
First of all, to
those who don’t know who I am, my name online and through the GameOn community
I was referred to as ‘Tricky’ or ‘Tentacle Goddess’ by a few close friends I
had in the community. I was a member of GameON for a very long time. I want to
say 5 or 6 years? However, I was only a member of the forums for around 3
years, counting the two from my absence. During my time in GameOn, I met a lot
of wonderful people. LOTS. I made tons of friends and felt like I was accepted
somewhere for once. (Hate to be cheesy, but I am being honest here.) I saw
GameON as a community where I could be myself without being pressured to talk,
act, or think like other people. I felt like I fit but at the same time, I was
still able to be myself without any limitations.
I never used to
talk much. I only lurked in various casters streams not saying a word. I have
horrible social anxiety; simple conversations with strangers are very hard to
do. Over time I grew out of that. But that’s not the point of this blog post.
My reason here is to explain why I left when I did with no word.
For one, the
obvious thing to blame was that I was working two jobs and going to school.
Unfortunately, I still live at home and the person I live with isn’t very
mindful with money. They waste it, and because of that I had to pick up where
they messed up to help keep everything in tact at home. Along with that, I was
still battling loads of depression and it was getting harder and harder for me
to function without thinking of doing something crazy to myself.
I was under a shit
ton of stress and it was cutting into my schooling, work life, and my social
life. I used to cast almost every day as well, but even that was affected
because I couldn’t bring myself to cast anything. Money got thinner, and I had
to scramble to find money to do anything just about. I was still involved with
GameON though, and the friends I had made during that time. But something
happened and it really pushed me over the edge.
I was harassed,
greatly, by someone who was a former member of GameON (not a broadcaster). They
would follow me to other casts and email me really nasty things. I tried to say
something, and I tried to bring attention to others about it. I was told to
ignore them. Even when they would purposely harass me in someone’s chartroom,
people would say “Take it to pms, guys.” So, the other person did and continued
to harass me all over Justin.TV/Twitch.Tv. I never ever said one thing to this
person. Out of nowhere, they gave me hell and harassed the shit out of me. It
reached the breaking point when I was watching the cast of someone not even
GameOn related and this person followed me in this stream, and completely made
fun of me in front of the entire chat.
Insults arranged
from making fun of my sexuality (Yes, I’m gay. My family doesn't know and won’t
know…) to pointing out that my voice was very manly. They then went on to say
that I should ‘kill myself’. That night I left. I was already going through a
lot, and that just wasn't something I wanted to fucking deal with at the time. So
I left. I left everything, and I didn't want to talk to anyone for a long time.
My girlfriend, and now fiancé’ tried to talk me into coming back but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stop worrying that this guy would pop up any time
and attack me out of the blue, and people would take their side or join in. I
was bullied. And I was bullied hard. I felt very alone and I felt as though I wasn't welcomed with the community anymore.
Two years passed
and I hadn't spoken to anyone. I tried to come back one time, but that same guy
was still around and he made sure to acknowledge that he could still get to me.
I even blocked him on all the chats I was in but somehow, he was still able to
send me messages. :|I was still dealing with a lot of things during that time,
and I wasn't mentally ready to return. I still felt like I was hated by
everyone.
After some much
needed healing and self-therapy (and professional therapy from holding in so
much crap….another story. Woopdydoo.) and help from Mrs. Tricky/Mrs.B; I
regained some confidence and was able to return to casting, twitch, gameON, and
my friends. I felt really bad for leaving, yes I did, but I want everyone to
understand that I was under a lot of stress and just dealing with that
harassment… it didn't help much.
I know a lot of
people are going to say “Oh, you’re weak for letting someone get to you.” Well,
I’m not. I was in a bad situation and I got myself out of it the best way that
I could. It wasn't just the bullying and harassment, but as well as all the
personal crap I had to deal with at home. I was hospitalized because of my
heart going nuts, and from having near faint spells from overworking myself and
not eating. A lot was going on, and I didn't want other people to suffer
because I was suffering.
So, sorry to anyone
who felt like I walked away from them or that I turned on them for any reason
because that wasn't the case at all. I needed healing BAD. I finally received
it and I’m at peace now. I can’t say that life is perfect, but it’s better than
what it was. My better half did the best she could to help get me out of that
state of mind and I thank her. I also thank the few friends from GameON that
left me messages to remind me that people were thinking of me. I really
appreciated each and every one.
Yes, I have changed my twitch handle to ‘BlaqueTokio’. It was an old name I used to use and I would like to bring that name with
me to GameON and Twitch. (I’m still the tentacle goddess.)
